Why I'm Proud to be a C- Mom

I'm proud to be a C- mama. I've always been an over-achiever but being a C- mama doesn't bother me now, it did for many years but it's something I've come to terms with. Before you condemn me for this, being a C- mama doesn't mean you're a sub-par or bad mother, in fact being a C- mama puts you in a category all your own.

"C- mama" is a term I use that means being childless from miscarriage, stillbirth, or death. I'm not C- by choice, in fact, if I had a choice I'd be a C+ mama (a mama with children) trying to upgrade to A+ mama (a.k.a Super mama) status. Society doesn't support C- mamas the way they should, in fact, when C- mamas become minus, it's taboo to talk about it publicly.

I've never been one to stay silent about my C- grief. I post regularly on social media and my blogs about the two babies my husband and I have lost before birth. I've had many friends message me silently and thank me for being upfront about my grief and bringing my angel-babies to everyone's notice because they haven't had the emotional strength to make others acknowledge their own angel-babies

I'm glad to be an advocate for these women. Most men, and women who haven't experienced child loss, just cannot comprehend the emotions that go with being a C- mama. For men, and C- dads, it's hard for them because they don't feel the same attachment as any expectant mother does because they aren't carrying that child in their body. For C+ mamas, there's no possible way to really understand the feeling unless you've come close to losing your child, and it's not something I would want you to experience.

It angers me when I'm asked if I have children when I'm with my mom or grandma because they jump in and say no. They don't want me to tell people about my babies because it makes people uncomfortable to be confronted with my C- mama's grief and upfront acknowledgment of the facts of that led to that C- status.

Most people don't know what to say when I tell them matter-of-factly, “Yes, I do have children but they passed away before birth.” How should they respond? I'll tell you from experience, most say they're sorry for my loss and quit talking to me. They don't want details because talking about infant death is a sad taboo, like if they actually talk to me about it that they might somehow catch my C- status. I, for one, am a C- mama that wants to talk about my babies.

I want people to know that I am a mother, and it hurts that I'm not considered one by others including my in-laws and my own parents. I don't blame them, it's easier to just say I don't have children than to go through the “sad” explanations, but it hurts nonetheless because it makes it seem as if my angel-babies are and were insignificant when they are the most significant thing that ever happened to me. They define who I am.

A C- mama isn't any different than C+ mamas. The first thing I think about in the morning is my children, even though they aren't with us. Some days, I may not think so hard on it, and others it hits me hard, like when yet another friend or family member announces they're pregnant or floods my News Feed with pictures of their precious babies. My daughter died over seven and a half years ago at 26 weeks gestation, and our son a little over six and a half years ago at 11 weeks gestation, but they are always in my scarred heart and are never far from my thoughts.

Now, don't pity us C- mamas. There's a lot to be said for being in this category. If I ever do become a C+ mama, being a C- mama for so long will certainly have an effect on the way I parent those children. I've had time to consider things I didn't consider when I was first pregnant. There are a lot of things about parenting that we, as women, just take for granted when we're pregnant, and we don't take the time to question just how we are going to parent our children. Being a C- mama has made me really think about certain aspects of parenting that I never considered when I was pregnant and revise just what my parenting style would be if I do ever become a C+ mama.

So, yes, I'm a proud C- mama but if, or when, I do ever become a C+ mama, I'll have earned that A+ status just from my experience as a C- mama.

Two-faced Attitude

Life is different for a C- mom who doesn't have any other children, I guess technically she wouldn't be considered a C- mom if she did have other children than those she's lost, maybe she'd just be an average C mom.   The longer you go being a C- mom (the kind without any other kids), the harder it is to find happiness for other women or couples when they announce they are going from C- to C+.  I find myself behaving in a manner that is two-faced, I shower the woman/couple with congratulations while in private I am upset that again someone else is becoming C+ while I struggle still to make it a possibility.


I know the situation my husband and I are in is "special" as neither of us are optimal candidates to even be trying to work our way into the C+ category but that doesn't make it any less difficult when his younger sisters, my younger cousins, and every other fertile myrtle is out there popping off baby announcements.  It makes me feel two-faced and unhappy.  I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else, just like I wouldn't wish being C- on anyone else.  I hate feeling bitter like this.

The Unfairness Issue a C- Mama Faces

Like many of us I scroll through my social media accounts multiple times per day.  I do it to keep up with family and friends, I do it to get bonuses from video games that I play on there, I also do it to keep informed on issues that I am passionate about it.

Unlike the C+ mamas, I'm not on there to share the accomplishments of my progeny or post pictures of them doing their "first" this or playing on some sports team.  Most days, I don't mind looking at these posts but every once in awhile when I'm having a bad C- day, it upsets me to see that nearly all of my friends are C+.  Oh, I don't deny them the pleasures, and frustrations, of raising their children and sharing those things, but to a C- mama, these are reminders of the things she doesn't have.

I even have friends that only have step-children, but they don't really get it either because they still have the privilege of raising those children either full or part time.  Oh, some of them understand what it's like to look at those pictures and wish that you were the one posting those pics of your own biological or adopted children.  Children that don't exist.

I also see countless comments from C+ mamas who complain of everything from pregnancy to birth and beyond.  They don't realize there are many women who see those comments that would give an arm, a leg, and a kidney to have those experiences; and those women wouldn't complain for a moment.  I especially get tired of the old "You don't have kids, so you just don't understand."

I've also sat and watched numerous news reports (and sadly updates on social media) where women do horrible things to their children and wondered how those wretched excuse for mothers could be given the precious gift that children are but women like me, who would love those children and care for them unconditionally, can't have them.   I've wondered how women who would die to give their children life aren't blessed with children but these abusive momsters (yes, I combined mom and monsters) can have child after child "on accident" without problems.

The C+ mamas don't understand that the C- mamas don't want pity or to be told, "When you have children..." or  "You'll have children one day and..." We simply want to have the children that we imagined having when we were little girls playing with our baby dolls.

About Me...The C- Mama

Ten years ago I hadn't even met my husband yet.  It's amazing how time flies.  We married in 2005 after being together a month and a half shy of a year.  We had never been happier.  Little did we know just how different our life would turn out than we imagined. We talked about having a big family (about 6 kids) of our own biological children as well as adopted children.  In short, we thought we'd have what all the other couples we know have.  I even, naively, thought I'd be done having children by the time I turned 30.

I'm turning 34 this year and I've been a C- mama for about 7 1/2 years now.  I'm not C- by choice.  We found out on our first wedding anniversary that our daughter had passed away from an extremely bad heart defect.  I was about 26 weeks pregnant then.  I think the hardest thing parents can go through is losing their child, a child they never got to know.  We'd found out during that time that my husband has a very rare chromosome defect, which gives any child we have a 50/50 chance of inheriting it.

We mourned our little girl, and still do, everyday.  I went back to work after 3 weeks because I couldn't stand to be home to wallow in my own emotions.  Little did I know, I had other issues besides just the depression of losing our baby.  I had a minor, undiagnosed immune system issue that began before I graduated from college but it had somehow gone into remission when I lost 63 pounds.  It came back after our daughter's stillbirth.

I struggled for months after her birth with "female" issues but did conceive again in November 2007.  We were cautiously optimistic because of before but prayed multiple times per day that this baby would be okay.  I found out at 11 weeks that the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks and I was miscarrying. I developed hypothyroidism after but was always at the high end of the normal range, so no doctor would diagnose me or treat the issues I was having.  Thanks to that I put on 110 pounds, have an autoimmune rash from a compromised immune system (thanks to my immune system misfiring and attacking normal tissue including my thyroid), and am likely not to be able to conceive again, though we have far from given up.

I pray daily for a miracle and suffer through the constant, "You're not a mom, so you don't understand" comments that my C+ friends say.  I don't think they truly can understand just what it's like to want children and watch countless others have them, even some that seem undeserving, but not be capable of having them yourself.  I've also heard from countless doctors, "You're getting close to advanced maternal age, so if you want to have babies, you need to do it now"...guess they don't realize that I would if I could.

Oh, and just to make our lives a little less romantic than we'd imagined before we got married, we pretty much lost everything back in 2009.  We'd bought a home and had a newer car, and when the economy crashed, we lost them both.  I lost my job first in 2008, then my husband lost his in early 2011.  We decided to move 2000 miles across the country to my hometown, and live with my parents until we could get back on our feet financially.  We're getting there, we've been living on our own again for nearly a year now, but we still struggle.

There's no way we can afford to adopt or even foster children right now, though we'd like to.  I had my thyroid issues diagnosed a couple years ago and am finally on meds (though not near optimal), but I still struggle to lose weight.  There's little hope we will conceive naturally, so that's just us...the C- couple, that's me.  The C- mama.